“It is the act of an ill-instructed man to blame others for his own bad condition; it is the act of one who has begun to be instructed, to lay the blame on himself; and of one whose instruction is completed, neither to blame another, nor himself. ” ~ Epictetus

Responsibility is a learned quality, yet I hesitate to speculate as to the ideal conditions under which it is learned. There are those times where responsibility is learned best under adversity and others where safety and predictability are the most nourishing medium. Similarly some of the best lessons on responsibility come on the heels of failure while others are built upon prior success. Regardless of how it is learned, a well-developed sense of responsibility allows you to navigate even the trickiest situations in life with artistry and confidence.

Epictetus’ sequence provides a useful framework for those concerned to develop a well-balanced sense of responsibility. It explains a lot, doesn’t it? The first two phases are obvious and self-explanatory, so I shall focus my attention on the third as it is the least obvious and the most often overlooked.

We live in a sea of cause and effect. Our lives are our own to the degree that we exercise our capacity of free will, regardless of the origin of the effects which land at our doorstep. You are not the root cause of everything that happens to you, for the waves of decisions made and actions taken by others lap upon the shore of your immediate circumstances just as surely as the ripples that move out from you affect the world around you. To assume that you are the root cause is an immature stance which gives evidence of the fact that you have not yet grown out of childish self-centeredness.

Now for the point that far too many people fail to grasp. Even though you are not the cause of everything that happens in your world, you can assume responsibility for everything that comes to you without condition, apology or excuse. Now you might say, “this sounds good in theory, but how does it work in practice?” It’s really quite easy, as long as you follow a few simple steps.

To advance to the third phase of responsibility as described by Epictetus above, you must:

1. Greet all that comes your way with radiant equanimity. This takes a bit of work and requires that you eschew prejudice and judgment, but you can develop this skill quickly by always reminding yourself that what happens to you is far less important than how you handle what happens.
2. Relinquish blame once and for all. Blame is a dead end which places greater emphasis on the failure than it does on the remedy or solution. You might usefully recognize that your actions or those of another are the cause of the problem, but you are wise to take great care not to dwell on it; don’t waste precious time and energy that could be channeled into resolving the matter.
3. Resist the temptation to complain. Complaint is a tool used only by those who refuse to accept responsibility at some level. It is the sharp blade attached to the circular saw of blame.
   
4. Don’t worry about the outcome. Worry is never a creative or productive motivation. Worry diverts the energy that would otherwise fuel forward movement and dissipates the pressure necessary to generate a positive outcome.
5. Be gracious when complimented, but don’t be inveigled by the flatterer. Some make the mistake of basking in their own glory during the good times, only to find themselves unprepared when the winds of fortune change.
6. Remember that pressure is your ally. All significant change requires pressure. Self-pity, blame, complaint and worry are pressure-relief valves used by those who have not yet mastered themselves.

You cannot master yourself without learning to assume responsibility in every department of living. The whole matter is greatly simplified when you develop a habit of assuming responsibility first and foremost (biting your tongue perhaps initially to avoid taking a step down the slippery slope described by points 1-6).

Despite popular opinion, you can reset your first flush of feeling so that you no longer unconsciously default to ineffective strategies like those outlined above. Every time you have a victory in this area – no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, you reset one or more of those switches that were set by previous poor or insufficient instruction.