“It is hard to see those who have sat at our board in the days of our prosperity, flee as from a pestilence when misfortune darkens our doorway; to see the loyalty upon which we would have staked our life, that seemed firm as a rock, crack and splinter like thin glass at the first real test; to know that the fire of friendship at which we could ever warm our hands in our hour of need, has turned to cold, deal gray ashes, where warmth is but a haunting memory.” ~ William George Jordan
Many people will walk in and out of your life, and you must take care not to let the comings and goings trouble your heart overly. When you are abandoned by someone in whom you invested trust and once counted as a dear friend or close acquaintance, it is far better to redouble your efforts at being a good friend to those who remain than it is to waste any time or effort bemoaning the loss.
The more common yet less noble response to such a loss is to speak ill of the departed, to curse them and write them off forever. Bridges are burnt every day on this basis, but any honest review of your ability to see the future would reveal that you have only a limited capacity. So why judge it in advance? Why distort the prism through which the future comes to you? Why overlay your prejudices and thereby limit the possibilities for reconciliation?
You might say “well, to prevent getting burned again” and on that point I would agree that caution and discernment are necessary to safely navigate the complex world we live in. But to judge, condemn and declare rigidly: “I will never go out of my way for that person ever again” is to declare your belief that people – yourself included – cannot and will not change if given the chance.
Know that your base of friends will tend to expand in times of prosperity and contract when times get tough. This is not always the case and a well-handled drought can often lead to a pattern of smaller, yet consistent victories, but generally speaking there will be those who are only fair-weather friends and they come and go with the rise and fall of the barometer. Forewarned is forearmed, so the next time you lose a so-called friend when the weather turns foul you needn’t react foolishly, even if the person or people who leave you take you by surprise.
You cannot control how others will act or think, but you can control your own contribution in times of feast and famine. When someone complains to you about another, you have a choice to make. Join them in complaint or rise above it by providing an example of how friendship should be, when it is built upon a foundation of dignified living. It is better to prove yourself worthy of loyalty, trust and companionship than to worry about and advertise the flaws in the character of others, for living a life of integrity is a full-time job.
Gregory Hake 
This is a great way to approach life. I have seen it several times where people have lost friends they thought were dependable, and I have a lot of respect for the ones who do not demean the departed. People have all sorts of reasons for doing the things they do, and unless you have telepathy, you will never really know the deep-down reasons. It is in each person’s best interest to give people the benefit of the doubt. If they had bad intentions, they are already paying for it by their diminished radiance. If they didn’t, then there might be something you didn’t know about. Either way, the best response is to keep your world turning and succeeding, which is what each of us should be doing anyway. Thanks for another great topic for consideration!
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This is such a great perspective on friendship!
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Great one!
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Perfect description of exactly what “fair weather friends” are. Great meditation today, and it definitely caused my complaint-o-meter to rev up!
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I especially like your point about committing to a life of integrity. It is what we are here for! Some act like their “integrity” gives them license to do all sorts of things that have nothing to do with integrity.
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Jordan is amazing. I appreciate the new life you’ve given to his works.
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Great series!
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Your points are so important. I have noticed the tendency in some to let themselves be worn down and shut down by feelings of betrayal. Your attitude is right – be an even better friend in such a situation. Thank you for describing the sanctity of true friendship so well. You certainly are a friend in the blogosphere!
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Oscar Wilde suggested a litmus test on true friendship… “Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.” and Oprah had the another thought “everyone wants to ride in the limo but your true friend will take the bus with you when the limos gone.” I think true friends neither are jealous or sycophants their communion with you is based in mutual respect for each other’s higher nature as it ecourages their own.
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I think it’s the proper thing to always earn the right of one’s trust, and never take it for granted. Earning implies action, and our actions reveal our loyalty to things, far more than our words.
An even better point you bring up is what to do when friends, acquaintances, business relationships etc. depart. I first look to see what I could have done better to preserve that bond if it was possible. However, people do make their own choices and those at times can hurt – we’ve all been there, and the noble attitude to take is to be an even better friend, acquaintance, client, etc. to those individuals that are still there with you. I think we’re talking more about the spirit of friendship and what that means, and to honor this quite sacred aspect of our lives. It goes beyond who that friend is really, it’s more about what allows there to even be friendship in the first place.
So, I hope that we all do not lose faith in friendship when things go sour, and we can prevent that by being a better friend wherever we can and thereby protect and preserve the good name/reputation of friendship.
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I find many times the friendship isn’t gone but the proximity altered. I have people I haven’t spoken to in 10 years that if I saw them would still bring that feeling of love and caring, as if yesterday they sat in my kitchen. Then there are those who I counted as a friend but realized it was a relationship that wasn’t rooted mutual affection. Maybe our proximity was forced or expected instead of chosen, such as a coworker or even relative. These people usually become so distant I can barely remember names. Your point is well taken about burning bridges. Life is too short too fill our days with disparaging the past, when the future is filled with endless possibilities. Thanks for your thoughts.
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