Being in the service industry, I can tell you that how a server maintains his self-composure in the face of self-obsessed patrons of his locale speaks volumes about the character of the individual. Over the years I’ve noticed that there are three common reactions: 1) the server maintains his calmness and equanimity all the way through, 2) the server maintains his smile and controls his emotions during the interchange only to vent to co-workers as soon as the guest leaves and 3) the server immediately aggressively or passive-aggressively retaliates for the rudeness or disrespect.
While the first approach is clearly the most desirable, it is not always the most common. In my experience more people fall in to second category than the first and the third combined (with variations, of course, based on what part of the country or world you are in). I would like to focus my consideration on how to become the first type of server, for anything less, is, well, less and anyone is capable of being a truly self-aware and self-composed server.
Let’s begin with a fundamental principle that most people never have the privilege of learning: no one can make you feel bad about yourself. You always have a choice in the matter. Nobody can tell you how to feel for how you feel is ultimately up to what you give weight to in your heart. When you come to terms with this principle, you realize that the oft repeated phrase: “He made me feel xyz, so I gave him his due” is a red herring designed to distract attention from the fact that a decision was made to lose self-composure at a critical point.
You have likely heard it said by many “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” but I insist that you take an enlightened approach by seeing that only the immediate extension of forgiveness can nullify the offense. Remember that offense must be taken to carry any weight. No matter how much or how strongly offense is given, if none is taken by virtue of a deliberate choice to stay above it, then the offense is spayed or neutered.
People like to categorize what offends them. “I’ll take offense if he speaks ill of my…mother, my faith, my hair, my intelligence, my outfit, my shape, my car, dog…” The list goes on and varies from person to person and the list is formed no doubt based on a complex of seemingly-legitimate factors, but the point is, why should you let any of it bother you? Why not stay above the fray? Why not love your enemies? What really do you have to lose by heeding that injunction?
The human psyche is so fragile, so fearful and so self-consumed that it can be hard to see the forest for the trees on this basic principle of living. “Well I’ve been stepped on before” you might say “and I won’t let it happen again!” When fear compels defensiveness, the natural protection afforded by the radiant expression of love is quickly lost.
Step up to the plate this year and resolve to take no offense. It won’t cost you a dime, in fact, you will inherit a treasure – the profound peace of self-composure – a state of self-awareness and self-assurance known and enjoyed by relatively few on earth.
The choice is yours!
Gregory Hake 
Good website! I reallydo love how it is easy on my eyes as well as the details are well composed. I am wondering how I might be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your rss feed which really should do the trick! Have a good day!
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Pingback: meditation & self-awareness « Michaelwclark.com
Bumped into a picture I think you took from a plane called
“Scattered Tops at 9,500′. What a stunning photo. Was that really
taken with your I Phone? That’s worthy of framing. Do you have
others? Which site are they on?
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Very kind. The iPhone camera takes great pictures! You can find others on my flikr photostream: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gregghake/
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I love the title and content of this post. We all have a choice and it’s really that simple. Taking offense also relates to resenting the opportunities that come to you. I was reminded of this quote by Carrie Fisher, which says it all:
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
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A foolish approach to be sure!
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It’s a little embarrassing to think how many times I’ve dropped to the #2 and even #3 reaction levels. I will definitely embrace this perspective. Thank you!
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You’re welcome. Embarrassment is useful if you use the energy released for positive change!
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I remember being blown away years ago when I first heard Mahatma Ghandi’s quote that “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”. I embraced your post today with similar if not more enthusiasm – I’d much rather inherit the treasure!!
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A generous comment, thank you.
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I love this quote from Goethe, I keep it above my desk. “We
are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” Great post today,
thanks.
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Very well put!
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“Nobody can tell you how to feel for how you feel is
ultimately up to what you give weight to in your heart.” WOW!!!
With just a glance at the implication of this I can see a world
without war, hate or jealousy. This is such a powerful
understanding to have. It’s the only way to protect our own spirit.
We decide what we give our hearts to. Hey, we really are the
“decider”!!
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Haha. Funny G. Bush reference…
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Well said! Your post has caused me to wonder if this one resolve were genuinely taken would there even be need to make any other resolutions (as we most often see them take form at this time of year)? It seems like any destructive action taken ultimately can be traced back to giving ourself an excuse to lose our composure. Thanks for getting to the heart of the matter!
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I think that this one resolution, kept over time, would precipitate a multitude of changes!
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This is a message that you do not hear very often, and when
it is, it is usually couched in some sort of martyrish language.
This is not a passage message, however. It is saying that no matter
what anyone else does, you are the one who controls your own
thoughts and actions. It is a message of personal responsibility. I
will remember this the next time I start to feel slighted by
someone. I will remember that if anyone makes me feel less than I
am, that I am the only one responsible. Thanks!
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When you look at the difference between what happens to the
body biochemically if you forgive vs taking offense it is easy to
see what we were designed for…it’s a clue! Cheers for the new
year.
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very nice post Gregg – much to consider and i accept the
challenge to “take no offense” in 2011. wow, how much could change
in our world if we chose simply to not take offense.
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A server’s primary role should be to leave the “servee” in
a better place. What is in the server’s heart radiates into the
conversation ……..words are only a small part of interaction.
Great topic!
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