There is nothing more humbling than raising a child. Children are both a reflection of you – your values, your expectations, your worldview – and a fountain of self-expression. They offer constant reminders of the need to refine your own capacity of self-expression while challenging you to grow and develop as they do.
I had the privilege the day before yesterday of attending my son’s first kindergarten parent-teacher conference. Not sure what to expect, I went in expecting a report card on two fronts. I was eager to see how well our child was living up to our expectations and to see how our expectations stood in relation to other parents in my son’s class.
His teacher gave a glowing report, offered suggestions relative to areas in which he could improve and suggested that we keep doing what we’re doing. I feel blessed to be raising a young man who loves challenges, who is inherently obedient and who has a wanderlust matched only by his enjoyment of new experiences.
Raising children is no easy task. They require constant nourishment and consistent love. They need boundaries that move out as they grow and privileges that remain dynamically linked to the responsibilities they carry. All of this while you go about living your adult life in the background!
As a parent you do the best that you can to provide what they need while in the nest of home. You must be careful not to over-protect or spoil them and you must work assiduously to develop a fundamental element of character called “obedience.” Obedience to me is not a mindless following, rather, it is an actively conscious state made possible by trust, respect and the regardful willingness to follow righteous leadership.
Obedience is not an end, but a means to an end. Obedience sets the stage for agreement and original self-expression, for you must learn to follow before you can learn to lead. Disobedience, on the other hand, is more often than not at the core of the failure to launch into adulthood.
Obedience is fostered whenever reasonable boundaries are carefully and respectfully enforced. Whenever arbitrary or unnecessary force is used to induce a state of obedience, the result is typically compliance, which looks like, but is nothing like, obedience. Children who simply comply submit to authority unwillingly while children who obey in the sense I am hoping to convey give themselves to authority lovingly and out of respect.
Inconsistent parenting is one of the primary causes of disobedience. If you set a boundary, respect the boundary yourself. Don’t hem and haw when the children wear you down. Don’t disrespect the rules out of a concern to quiet the children or to “buy” their love.
Children often try to play the father against the mother…don’t fall for it. Spousal agreement matters. If you are a single parent, you won’t have that problem, but they will find ways to play one aspect of your personality against the other. Either way, you have to stay on your toes.
Child-rearing is not an easy task and I wish that our schools could find a means of better preparing children for future parenting responsibilities. Book smarts have little to do with effective parenting and ACT and SAT scores are no indicator of parental preparedness.
At the end of the day each parent must do what is right in his or her own eyes and heart. While I highly doubt that humanity will ever come to an agreement about the details of what that means, I do feel there are a number of qualities of character that can be considered universal.
More on that later.
Gregory Hake 
Great subject. My children are grown up so my view is what I wished I had done or I’m glad that I did. I think the Internet has made it more difficult to be a parent. It’s uses by irresponsible adults and out of control children has added an unbelievable complication. Your children are exposed to both of these elements 24/7. My children did not have to be protected like that. Respectful obedience as you pointed out not merely compliance is one of the safety nets for the youth of today. They can’t understand all that threatens their safety now. It seems so mainstream and innocuous. If you build that respectful obedience when they are little ones I think you’ll have a much better chance of guiding them. I do love the Internet for sharing ideas for a better world. Thanks Gregg.
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Excellent post…Excellent comments. I could not agree more with your post. Parents and children need to hear, see and feel the love and genuine support from their communities (home, school, faith, neighbors and business) We are all teachers of how to live a life of integrity and love. Challenging but manageable. We must demonstrate love and integrity with everyone. I am a mom of two daughters and a son (15-25 yrs old).
Gregg, I truly appreciate enjoy your writing and wisdom.
Lisa
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I love how you put that: “challenging but manageable.” So true! Thank you for your comment. The task of creating a brighter future is eminently doable!
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Thank you for a great post!
My husband and I have two children; a 21 year old daughter AND a 7 yr.old son. Yes indeed… that’s quite a spread.
Like you, we applied the similar principals with regard to obedience and consistency with our oldest and now our youngest. Additionally- we feel strongly about teaching our children to be honest, fair, and good natured people. Good character is of the utmost importance to me. We’ve done well with the 21 year old and are diligently molding and shaping our enthusiastic and energized 7 yr. old son.
I am a new member to you blog and enjoy your wisdom.
Thanks.
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My pleasure. Welcome aboard! There is an 11 year spread between my youngest brother and me, so I know what that’s like from the other side of the coin. I’m looking forward to your comments in the days to come…onward and upward!
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Great topic and enjoy reading everyone’s comments!
looking forward to more on this topic – parenting is a dynamic ART.
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You’re not kidding!
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Your analysis and comments are appreciated. Most of us have been childish adults trying to raise children. Saw Glee for the first time, loved the music but the immature, bullying, intolerant, jealous, “mean girl”, no self esteem, portrayal of the characters ( and that was the adults) left very little room for the teens watching to see the five minutes of redemption at the end. As parents we have to get it right first. Yesterdays post was a good start.
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It seems clear to me that one of the highest leverage approaches to creating a brighter future lies in the way we develop those who will soon inherit the earth from those of us who are not so young anymore. Families, schools and churches are doing their best, but I can’t imagine anyone feeling like we’re doing the best that we can in this department.
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Excellent post, thanks!
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Thank you!
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The parent/teacher relationship is as vital as the mother/father relationship . . . . . .close communication and unified goals provide the “container” for the child to flourish. Love, love, love the topic! Thanks.
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Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Have a good one!
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Wonderful post! These parenting principles apply when developing people of all ages!
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Absolutely. Thanks.
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The essence of what you are conveying here is so important, for the basis of parenting in general, but particularly I think it can usefully be worked with when people are trying to get to the roots of the present cyberbullying epidemic. Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience – I look forward to hearing more!
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Texting, email, social media, etc. are one of the primary means of communication between those of the younger generations. The tools themselves can be tremendously powerful when put to good use and extremely dangerous when not. Respect seems to be an afterthought nowadays and I hope that we, as human beings, learn to instill a sense of the value of respect in our youth in these changing times.
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The difference between obedience and compliance is often misunderstood. I think that obedience is also a showing of respect. It will stand you in good stead when your child gets older. There might be a time when you give him advice that he is no longer required by age to follow, but if he has enough respect for you from the way he grew up, he will respect your opinion as well. However the learning of obedience must be consistent from the beginning, and it must have a bias toward love, not harshness. Thanks for bringing up this topic!
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Good points, Colin. Thanks for sharing.
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